Raising Teenagers: Top Ten Suggestions, part II

5) Avoid immediately “rescuing” your teen—If our children have trouble with a coach, teacher or other adult in their life--unless it's a case of their health or safety-- insist they make attempts to resolve the  issue before swooping in to save them. That doesn’t mean there’s not a proper time for us to meet with a teacher or coach, but only after our kids have stepped up to the plate and swung first.  If we are first to intervene,  we take away a growth opportunity for our child and potentially ruin a chance to favorably resolve the issue (because when we're involved, it easily becomes a power-struggle). 

A common example of this dilemma is “playing time” for our kids on an athletic team. Help your child by talking through how to talk to his or her coach, or even “role-play” the coach with him or her as prep for the meeting  (if your child allows it). I recommend the teen asks the coach for an appointment time, rather than meet randomly, and at that meeting, he or she should ask the coach “What can I do to get better to help the team more? (which is oriented to team) rather than “How come I’m not getting more playing time” (which is oriented to self). Most coaches are going to respond to that kind of meeting very favorably. Parents, this is one conversation you should stay out of--you'll need to suffer in silence!  But if you must, never, ever approach a coach immediately after a ball game—he’s not likely at his best, nor are you! 

As much as we want to, we can’t smooth all pathways out in front of our children, protecting them from bumps and rocks in their path. Working through these difficulties will help them grow up.  

4) Teenagers should “sleep in their own beds each night.” This is probably my most controversial suggestion. Yes, I mean no sleepovers. Here’s why: I’ve had countless sad encounters with teenagers whose lives are unravelling due to incidences outside of school, usually on weekend nights. The common denominators? Almost always, they were intoxicated or high, and they “spent the night” at a “ friend’s house.” Teenagers often play the “shell” game with their parents: Teen A says he’s spending the night with Teen B’s family, Teen B says he’s spending the night with Teen A’s family, but both are spending the night at Teen C's home, free from adult oversight —perhaps a place where the parents are on vacation, or a place in the woods, or even a hotel. And though we are tempted to say “not my kid,” my experiences these are often good kids from good families who play these kind of games.

If we allow kids to spend the night somewhere else, we have a lot of issues to think through.  Consider: ”Which families are the “good” families whom you’ll allow your kids to spend the night with? Which families are on the “banned” list? How will we explain that distinction to our kids? How will we navigate our social interactions with the “banned” family? Will the other parents insist their child (and yours) comes home that night? What time? Will a parent in that home be “up” when they return? In other words, will that family truly insist on that curfew time, or look the other way? How carefully will this family oversee activities within their home? In their yard? Will they allow kids to drink? On their property? Somewhere else? Who else might come over? What if the group of kids informs that family they’re going to stay at another person’s home—are you allowing that parent to make that decision on your behalf? The truth is that these kinds of questions sound intrusive, and so most of the time, we don’t ask them, meaning that our kids could be doing almost anything.  We simply don't know.   

My “fence” was simply “you gotta sleep in your own bed.” What did my kids think about it? They hated it, of course--they were teens!-- and I remember my daughter once weeping bitterly, telling us “this rule is from the stone ages,” and that we “were isolating her from her friends.” She survived, and by the way had numerous friends,  despite her neanderthal father! That same daughter, now in her late twenties,   told us “that rule kept her away from a lot of bad things” and thanked us for holding the line. Sometimes, we have to do things to protect our teenagers, even if they don’t like it! 

3) Focus on effort in school, not grades—From the perspective of the student to whom school comes easily, but also from the perspective of a student who has difficulty, focusing on grades is the wrong metric to measure success. I’ve had many meetings with parents of a kid doing poorly who say “I’ve told him, I expect all A’s and B’s,” when in fact, an A or B might be unattainable for that student in a certain class, leading that child to frustration or despair. But I’ve also known many kids making “good grades" who could be doing much better if they worked harder.

One of my sons—whom God had blessed with talent—cruised his way through the first two years of high school, doing very little work but making good grades, despite my constant harping on him to work harder. But in his junior year, the Pre-Calculus teacher, sounding nervous, asked to meet with me (the principal) before first quarter grades were published. She was worried what I might be angry with her because my son had  a “D” in her class. I smiled at her, shook her hand, and said “Thank you for telling my son the truth—this may be good for him.” My son was shell-shocked, but he started to become a more serious student, frequently leaving the house at 6:30 a.m. to get 30 minutes of Math tutoring before school. My wife and I would high five each other as he left, pleased that our son was showing signs of growing up!

Grades are less important than people think. Because they’re so inflated nationally, and because they vary so much between schools, colleges don’t trust them. Instead, they focus on ACT or SAT scores, which helps them compare “apples to apples.”  The best way to improve ACT scores? Not an ACT prep class! Rather, I tell students they should take the "most demanding set of classes they are capable of making B’s in," and then should work hard in those classes.  Over time—there’s no quick fix here—the ACT scores will slowly creep up. 

If you have a child that struggles in school, disregard the grades. Yes! Disregard them. Instead, tell him you expect 60-90 minutes of homework each night and that his teachers say he’s ‘working hard’ and “paying attention.” If those things are true, I recommend you take your child to dinner to celebrate for his  “A+” effort and to tell him you’re proud of him!  He’s doing the best he can, which is all we can ask. Let the grades take care of themselves….

2) Keep Holy the Sabbath—No doubt about it, the decision whether they will practice their faith will be theirs one day, usually beginning in college.   But if they live in our home, they must live by our rules, and one of those rules is we attend Church. When they’re younger, they had to go to Church with us, as a family.  In their later teen years, we had no issue with them attending a different mass, perhaps a youth mass in our parish or some other parish. Hey, whichever liturgy or parish speaks most powerfully to them, I’m fine with that! But it’s a non-negotiable that they must go, every week and on holy days of obligation.  Why do I believe we should insist on this? If we allow our children to make that decision while they live with us, we are in effect, “sanctioning” that choice in their mind. But if they choose not to go to Church when they attend college, they do so understanding that we don’t agree with that decision—but that they have the freedom to make that choice. 

Furthermore, unless the activity were Church related, like being in a music group that played for Church on Sundays, or becoming active in youth-parish activities, Sundays were NOT a day we allowed our kids to engage in athletic practices, games or any other scheduled “activities” that pulled our kids away from the family and added to the chaos of their lives. There has to be one day a week when things slow down, for the sake of our family and our kids’ mental health. We’re all too busy. Sunday is the one day each week to take a deep breath, to watch some ball games, catch up on homework, or to take a nap. As principal, I will not allow practices to be held on Sundays for this reason.  

1) Mean what we say. How many times do we tell our teens to do something before we institute some sort of discipline for their non-compliance? Some parents might say "just once," and I wouldn't argue against that too strongly, because it insists that we mean what we say, which is the point I'm making. But my sense, having raised 3 boys who sometimes  gave a good impression of a deaf-mute, is "twice." And if I have to ask a child a second time, there's a certain "tone" in my voice--not yelling!--that is unmistakably a warning.

Good parenting is similar to good classroom management. I tell teachers that if they "shush" kids 10 times in class before there's a consequence, then the first nine "shushes" didn't matter.  Excellent teachers generally give talkative kids a certain "look" as a kind of warning,  then a verbal reprimand, then some sort of disciplinary consequence if it continues. EVERY TIME. As a result, the line is pretty firm in the students' minds. 

Parents who don't insist on this kind of "patterned consequence" will often find themselves shouting at their children, both out of exasperation, but also to emphasize that they really mean it (this time). Shouting at our children is almost never good--far better to "speak softly and carry a big stick" if kids are not responding to what we've asked them to do. 

Parents are benevolent oligarchs. If the oligarchs are wise, they'll be balanced in what they ask of kids, building fences and not micro-managing. But once the oligarch decides, it's OK to tolerate a little complaining, but ultimately, the child must do as we ask. With my lawyerly teenage daughter (who no surprise to us, actually became a lawyer), I would engage with her for a few moments, then ultimately end with "I'm sorry you disagree with me, but I expect you to do it," then walk away, thereby not allowing the argument to continue or become more heated. She'd fume some, but ultimately do what we asked (most of the time). 

Or what? What's the "penalty?"  Well, consequences depend on the issue, but I've found confiscating the cell phone for a length of time usually works for what I might label as "routine" disciplinary issues. Cell phones are like crack cocaine for teenagers--they'll do anything to get them back--and the break from technology isn't a bad thing for them. I don't believe in removing kids from athletic teams, because those activities are healthy for kids, and in the case of an undisciplined child, the structure and accountability that athletics provide are part of the solution, not the problem.  Doing service on the weekends, waking up early on Saturday mornings to do extra yard work, babysitting a younger sibling on a Friday night--all of these things are within our "arsenal" as parents. Be creative! 

Final thoughts: When our kids were toddlers, older parents would tell us, in foreboding terms, to "enjoy the kids now, because one day they'll become teenagers." Nonsense!  Teenagers are quirky, funny, honest, maddening, mercurial,  and loads of fun to be around. It's worth remembering that we can't be perfect parents, and they can't be perfect kids. But it is awe-inspiring to be able to witness our children becoming young men and women, with their unique personalities, their unique opinions and world-view. 

Pray for them daily, that God helps them become the persons he has designed them to be--therein lies their happiness. Pray for your patience and wisdom, that you will lead them well. And enjoy the ride! 

Raising Teenagers: Top Ten Suggestions, part I

Since 1985,  I’ve had the pleasure of working with teenagers  as a teacher, principal and parent. My wife and I raised four children—three boys and a girl— all in their 20’s and 30’s now. By observing parents with their children, and sometimes bumbling through raising our own, I’ve learned a lot about raising teens. Here then,  are my “top ten suggestions.” 

10) “Build fences.”  There are two opposing tendencies we are tempted to veer into as parents, depending on the issue: to give our children too much freedom, or the opposite, to micromanage all facets of our children’s lives. Teenagers absolutely need rules and structure, but they also need space, a chance to try things and learn from their mistakes.  Threading the needle between those two extremes is THE challenge of being a good parent of teens. 

The best advice I ever heard on this came from a mother of five well adjusted kids (I didn’t say perfect). The key, she told me, was to build “good fences” as a parent.  “Teens are like bucking broncos. If we try to ride them, they’ll buck us. But if we build fences,  they will eventually move in the direction we want them to move, under their own power.” 

Here’s what I think she meant: Suppose our child breezily announces he is going “out” on Friday night. It’s perfectly reasonable to ask “what are you going to do? and “who will you be with?” But we’ll quickly get into an unfruitful argument with our child if we by ask too many specific, probing questions, or if we begin to legislate it’s OK to be with child X but not child Y.   When we “ride” the bronco, it’s going to buck us, or lie to us, or try and parse words to retain as much freedom as possible.  Instead, we should make sure we’ve established a consistent time our children must be home every night, and establish the practice of being there to greet them at the door. The curfew time is the “fence” which doesn’t change, and as long as they respect that fence, we can then give them a little space on the exact details of their activities.  

9) We should insist our children “finish what they’ve started”—About half way through baseball season, my 12 year old son told me he “hated baseball,” and begged me to allow him to quit. That killed me inside, because he was good at it (and I enjoyed the accolades he received), but he already knew what my answer would be: “We’re not quitters in this family. When the season is over, you never have to play baseball again—that’s your call and I’ll respect it. But you gotta finish out the season.”  I believe insisting our kids   “finish” is a critical lesson for them, especially in a culture of instant gratification. The instinct to run from hardships or unpleasant things is natural, but if it becomes an “option”  for how they handle hard situations, it’ll affect their high school academic careers, their future job performance, and perhaps most importantly, their relationships, even their future marriage. Though “domestic tranquility” is good for our families, it’s not more important  than developing virtuous children, which sometimes means we have to help them deal with difficulties rather than run from them. It’s too common in high schools today that parents  immediately want to yank their kids from difficult classes, change difficult teachers, or change schools altogether if their child is “unhappy.” Pushing through unpleasant situations is an important skill to teach our children—the “struggle” and “powering through it” makes our kids healthier and tougher.

8) Insist on variety of activities.  One of the more pernicious forces in teen culture today is club sports, which tells athletes (and parents) that students must “play their sport year-round if they want to compete for college scholarships.”  Doing so divorces kids’ participation in other school activities, other athletic programs, and in healthy extracurriculars by sucking up their time and energy (to say nothing about the family’s time and energy, traveling to different venues all over the region). Many of these kids, as the years wear on, often feel disconnected from their peers, unhappy that all their eggs are in the proverbial  “one basket,” and even begin to grow weary of playing the sport they once loved as a younger child. I know many students—especially girls—who played a sport year round since they were 7 or 8 years old, only to completely lose interest in that sport in their junior or senior year. 

We don’t want our children to become specialists! Instead, we should aim for “wholeness” and “balance.” We should invite our children to become involved in a great variety of activities—athletic teams, yes, but also academic clubs, fine arts activities,  and church/religious organizations. Variety is the spice of life, and our kids will be happier over time with this “renaissance” emphasis. 

7) Set rules about cellphones/smartphone usage— I suggest three: First, if my wife or I call our kids, we expect them to answer! If they don’t, and we try again a bit later and  they still don’t answer, they’re going to forfeit their phone privileges for a few days. Second, at social functions, including family dinner, no cell phones! Third, cell phones, Ipads and all  other technology must be holstered in the charging station in the kitchen by 10 p.m. each  night, or when they get home on weekend nights. 

The reasons for the first two rules are self-evident. I insisted on the kitchen charging station because it kept our kids from taking their technology to bed, which would deprive them of sleep—doctors say the blue light emitted by tech devices stimulates our brains and disrupts our natural sleep cycle, and teenagers already get too few hours of sleep. Second, for boys, the temptation to view porn is overwhelming, and for girls, the temptation to fixate on social media or to engage in the latest gossip is unhealthy. 

“But Dad, I need my phone because I use the alarm clock to wake me up!” my son protested. I went to the store and bought him a $7 alarm clock.  He wasn’t impressed.

6) Help your child prioritize school. The teenagers’ “job” at this time in their life is to do their best in school. Next to faith and family, school should have priority over everything else. That’s easy to say—most of is would agree in theory—but in practice, not so much. 

How sacred is school time? How often do we parents take our kids out of school for an early start to vacations, or hunting expeditions, driver's license tests or hair appointments? How often do schools ask kids to leave school early—or miss it altogether—for ball games? How many times do academic organizations (like science and foreign language associations) schedule competitions on school days to improve participation rates? How frequently do we let our children miss school because they're a little under the weather? The answer to all of the above is "too often." My advice: Make it the truly rare exception that your child misses school for voluntary reasons, and insist that unless they have physical signs of illness (a temperature, nausea, an infectious disease or illness) that they “power through” if they’re feeling a little under the weather. 

(To be continued)