Raising Teenagers: Top Ten Suggestions, part II

5) Avoid immediately “rescuing” your teen—If our children have trouble with a coach, teacher or other adult in their life--unless it's a case of their health or safety-- insist they make attempts to resolve the  issue before swooping in to save them. That doesn’t mean there’s not a proper time for us to meet with a teacher or coach, but only after our kids have stepped up to the plate and swung first.  If we are first to intervene,  we take away a growth opportunity for our child and potentially ruin a chance to favorably resolve the issue (because when we're involved, it easily becomes a power-struggle). 

A common example of this dilemma is “playing time” for our kids on an athletic team. Help your child by talking through how to talk to his or her coach, or even “role-play” the coach with him or her as prep for the meeting  (if your child allows it). I recommend the teen asks the coach for an appointment time, rather than meet randomly, and at that meeting, he or she should ask the coach “What can I do to get better to help the team more? (which is oriented to team) rather than “How come I’m not getting more playing time” (which is oriented to self). Most coaches are going to respond to that kind of meeting very favorably. Parents, this is one conversation you should stay out of--you'll need to suffer in silence!  But if you must, never, ever approach a coach immediately after a ball game—he’s not likely at his best, nor are you! 

As much as we want to, we can’t smooth all pathways out in front of our children, protecting them from bumps and rocks in their path. Working through these difficulties will help them grow up.  

4) Teenagers should “sleep in their own beds each night.” This is probably my most controversial suggestion. Yes, I mean no sleepovers. Here’s why: I’ve had countless sad encounters with teenagers whose lives are unravelling due to incidences outside of school, usually on weekend nights. The common denominators? Almost always, they were intoxicated or high, and they “spent the night” at a “ friend’s house.” Teenagers often play the “shell” game with their parents: Teen A says he’s spending the night with Teen B’s family, Teen B says he’s spending the night with Teen A’s family, but both are spending the night at Teen C's home, free from adult oversight —perhaps a place where the parents are on vacation, or a place in the woods, or even a hotel. And though we are tempted to say “not my kid,” my experiences these are often good kids from good families who play these kind of games.

If we allow kids to spend the night somewhere else, we have a lot of issues to think through.  Consider: ”Which families are the “good” families whom you’ll allow your kids to spend the night with? Which families are on the “banned” list? How will we explain that distinction to our kids? How will we navigate our social interactions with the “banned” family? Will the other parents insist their child (and yours) comes home that night? What time? Will a parent in that home be “up” when they return? In other words, will that family truly insist on that curfew time, or look the other way? How carefully will this family oversee activities within their home? In their yard? Will they allow kids to drink? On their property? Somewhere else? Who else might come over? What if the group of kids informs that family they’re going to stay at another person’s home—are you allowing that parent to make that decision on your behalf? The truth is that these kinds of questions sound intrusive, and so most of the time, we don’t ask them, meaning that our kids could be doing almost anything.  We simply don't know.   

My “fence” was simply “you gotta sleep in your own bed.” What did my kids think about it? They hated it, of course--they were teens!-- and I remember my daughter once weeping bitterly, telling us “this rule is from the stone ages,” and that we “were isolating her from her friends.” She survived, and by the way had numerous friends,  despite her neanderthal father! That same daughter, now in her late twenties,   told us “that rule kept her away from a lot of bad things” and thanked us for holding the line. Sometimes, we have to do things to protect our teenagers, even if they don’t like it! 

3) Focus on effort in school, not grades—From the perspective of the student to whom school comes easily, but also from the perspective of a student who has difficulty, focusing on grades is the wrong metric to measure success. I’ve had many meetings with parents of a kid doing poorly who say “I’ve told him, I expect all A’s and B’s,” when in fact, an A or B might be unattainable for that student in a certain class, leading that child to frustration or despair. But I’ve also known many kids making “good grades" who could be doing much better if they worked harder.

One of my sons—whom God had blessed with talent—cruised his way through the first two years of high school, doing very little work but making good grades, despite my constant harping on him to work harder. But in his junior year, the Pre-Calculus teacher, sounding nervous, asked to meet with me (the principal) before first quarter grades were published. She was worried what I might be angry with her because my son had  a “D” in her class. I smiled at her, shook her hand, and said “Thank you for telling my son the truth—this may be good for him.” My son was shell-shocked, but he started to become a more serious student, frequently leaving the house at 6:30 a.m. to get 30 minutes of Math tutoring before school. My wife and I would high five each other as he left, pleased that our son was showing signs of growing up!

Grades are less important than people think. Because they’re so inflated nationally, and because they vary so much between schools, colleges don’t trust them. Instead, they focus on ACT or SAT scores, which helps them compare “apples to apples.”  The best way to improve ACT scores? Not an ACT prep class! Rather, I tell students they should take the "most demanding set of classes they are capable of making B’s in," and then should work hard in those classes.  Over time—there’s no quick fix here—the ACT scores will slowly creep up. 

If you have a child that struggles in school, disregard the grades. Yes! Disregard them. Instead, tell him you expect 60-90 minutes of homework each night and that his teachers say he’s ‘working hard’ and “paying attention.” If those things are true, I recommend you take your child to dinner to celebrate for his  “A+” effort and to tell him you’re proud of him!  He’s doing the best he can, which is all we can ask. Let the grades take care of themselves….

2) Keep Holy the Sabbath—No doubt about it, the decision whether they will practice their faith will be theirs one day, usually beginning in college.   But if they live in our home, they must live by our rules, and one of those rules is we attend Church. When they’re younger, they had to go to Church with us, as a family.  In their later teen years, we had no issue with them attending a different mass, perhaps a youth mass in our parish or some other parish. Hey, whichever liturgy or parish speaks most powerfully to them, I’m fine with that! But it’s a non-negotiable that they must go, every week and on holy days of obligation.  Why do I believe we should insist on this? If we allow our children to make that decision while they live with us, we are in effect, “sanctioning” that choice in their mind. But if they choose not to go to Church when they attend college, they do so understanding that we don’t agree with that decision—but that they have the freedom to make that choice. 

Furthermore, unless the activity were Church related, like being in a music group that played for Church on Sundays, or becoming active in youth-parish activities, Sundays were NOT a day we allowed our kids to engage in athletic practices, games or any other scheduled “activities” that pulled our kids away from the family and added to the chaos of their lives. There has to be one day a week when things slow down, for the sake of our family and our kids’ mental health. We’re all too busy. Sunday is the one day each week to take a deep breath, to watch some ball games, catch up on homework, or to take a nap. As principal, I will not allow practices to be held on Sundays for this reason.  

1) Mean what we say. How many times do we tell our teens to do something before we institute some sort of discipline for their non-compliance? Some parents might say "just once," and I wouldn't argue against that too strongly, because it insists that we mean what we say, which is the point I'm making. But my sense, having raised 3 boys who sometimes  gave a good impression of a deaf-mute, is "twice." And if I have to ask a child a second time, there's a certain "tone" in my voice--not yelling!--that is unmistakably a warning.

Good parenting is similar to good classroom management. I tell teachers that if they "shush" kids 10 times in class before there's a consequence, then the first nine "shushes" didn't matter.  Excellent teachers generally give talkative kids a certain "look" as a kind of warning,  then a verbal reprimand, then some sort of disciplinary consequence if it continues. EVERY TIME. As a result, the line is pretty firm in the students' minds. 

Parents who don't insist on this kind of "patterned consequence" will often find themselves shouting at their children, both out of exasperation, but also to emphasize that they really mean it (this time). Shouting at our children is almost never good--far better to "speak softly and carry a big stick" if kids are not responding to what we've asked them to do. 

Parents are benevolent oligarchs. If the oligarchs are wise, they'll be balanced in what they ask of kids, building fences and not micro-managing. But once the oligarch decides, it's OK to tolerate a little complaining, but ultimately, the child must do as we ask. With my lawyerly teenage daughter (who no surprise to us, actually became a lawyer), I would engage with her for a few moments, then ultimately end with "I'm sorry you disagree with me, but I expect you to do it," then walk away, thereby not allowing the argument to continue or become more heated. She'd fume some, but ultimately do what we asked (most of the time). 

Or what? What's the "penalty?"  Well, consequences depend on the issue, but I've found confiscating the cell phone for a length of time usually works for what I might label as "routine" disciplinary issues. Cell phones are like crack cocaine for teenagers--they'll do anything to get them back--and the break from technology isn't a bad thing for them. I don't believe in removing kids from athletic teams, because those activities are healthy for kids, and in the case of an undisciplined child, the structure and accountability that athletics provide are part of the solution, not the problem.  Doing service on the weekends, waking up early on Saturday mornings to do extra yard work, babysitting a younger sibling on a Friday night--all of these things are within our "arsenal" as parents. Be creative! 

Final thoughts: When our kids were toddlers, older parents would tell us, in foreboding terms, to "enjoy the kids now, because one day they'll become teenagers." Nonsense!  Teenagers are quirky, funny, honest, maddening, mercurial,  and loads of fun to be around. It's worth remembering that we can't be perfect parents, and they can't be perfect kids. But it is awe-inspiring to be able to witness our children becoming young men and women, with their unique personalities, their unique opinions and world-view. 

Pray for them daily, that God helps them become the persons he has designed them to be--therein lies their happiness. Pray for your patience and wisdom, that you will lead them well. And enjoy the ride! 

Raising Teenagers: Top Ten Suggestions, part I

Since 1985,  I’ve had the pleasure of working with teenagers  as a teacher, principal and parent. My wife and I raised four children—three boys and a girl— all in their 20’s and 30’s now. By observing parents with their children, and sometimes bumbling through raising our own, I’ve learned a lot about raising teens. Here then,  are my “top ten suggestions.” 

10) “Build fences.”  There are two opposing tendencies we are tempted to veer into as parents, depending on the issue: to give our children too much freedom, or the opposite, to micromanage all facets of our children’s lives. Teenagers absolutely need rules and structure, but they also need space, a chance to try things and learn from their mistakes.  Threading the needle between those two extremes is THE challenge of being a good parent of teens. 

The best advice I ever heard on this came from a mother of five well adjusted kids (I didn’t say perfect). The key, she told me, was to build “good fences” as a parent.  “Teens are like bucking broncos. If we try to ride them, they’ll buck us. But if we build fences,  they will eventually move in the direction we want them to move, under their own power.” 

Here’s what I think she meant: Suppose our child breezily announces he is going “out” on Friday night. It’s perfectly reasonable to ask “what are you going to do? and “who will you be with?” But we’ll quickly get into an unfruitful argument with our child if we by ask too many specific, probing questions, or if we begin to legislate it’s OK to be with child X but not child Y.   When we “ride” the bronco, it’s going to buck us, or lie to us, or try and parse words to retain as much freedom as possible.  Instead, we should make sure we’ve established a consistent time our children must be home every night, and establish the practice of being there to greet them at the door. The curfew time is the “fence” which doesn’t change, and as long as they respect that fence, we can then give them a little space on the exact details of their activities.  

9) We should insist our children “finish what they’ve started”—About half way through baseball season, my 12 year old son told me he “hated baseball,” and begged me to allow him to quit. That killed me inside, because he was good at it (and I enjoyed the accolades he received), but he already knew what my answer would be: “We’re not quitters in this family. When the season is over, you never have to play baseball again—that’s your call and I’ll respect it. But you gotta finish out the season.”  I believe insisting our kids   “finish” is a critical lesson for them, especially in a culture of instant gratification. The instinct to run from hardships or unpleasant things is natural, but if it becomes an “option”  for how they handle hard situations, it’ll affect their high school academic careers, their future job performance, and perhaps most importantly, their relationships, even their future marriage. Though “domestic tranquility” is good for our families, it’s not more important  than developing virtuous children, which sometimes means we have to help them deal with difficulties rather than run from them. It’s too common in high schools today that parents  immediately want to yank their kids from difficult classes, change difficult teachers, or change schools altogether if their child is “unhappy.” Pushing through unpleasant situations is an important skill to teach our children—the “struggle” and “powering through it” makes our kids healthier and tougher.

8) Insist on variety of activities.  One of the more pernicious forces in teen culture today is club sports, which tells athletes (and parents) that students must “play their sport year-round if they want to compete for college scholarships.”  Doing so divorces kids’ participation in other school activities, other athletic programs, and in healthy extracurriculars by sucking up their time and energy (to say nothing about the family’s time and energy, traveling to different venues all over the region). Many of these kids, as the years wear on, often feel disconnected from their peers, unhappy that all their eggs are in the proverbial  “one basket,” and even begin to grow weary of playing the sport they once loved as a younger child. I know many students—especially girls—who played a sport year round since they were 7 or 8 years old, only to completely lose interest in that sport in their junior or senior year. 

We don’t want our children to become specialists! Instead, we should aim for “wholeness” and “balance.” We should invite our children to become involved in a great variety of activities—athletic teams, yes, but also academic clubs, fine arts activities,  and church/religious organizations. Variety is the spice of life, and our kids will be happier over time with this “renaissance” emphasis. 

7) Set rules about cellphones/smartphone usage— I suggest three: First, if my wife or I call our kids, we expect them to answer! If they don’t, and we try again a bit later and  they still don’t answer, they’re going to forfeit their phone privileges for a few days. Second, at social functions, including family dinner, no cell phones! Third, cell phones, Ipads and all  other technology must be holstered in the charging station in the kitchen by 10 p.m. each  night, or when they get home on weekend nights. 

The reasons for the first two rules are self-evident. I insisted on the kitchen charging station because it kept our kids from taking their technology to bed, which would deprive them of sleep—doctors say the blue light emitted by tech devices stimulates our brains and disrupts our natural sleep cycle, and teenagers already get too few hours of sleep. Second, for boys, the temptation to view porn is overwhelming, and for girls, the temptation to fixate on social media or to engage in the latest gossip is unhealthy. 

“But Dad, I need my phone because I use the alarm clock to wake me up!” my son protested. I went to the store and bought him a $7 alarm clock.  He wasn’t impressed.

6) Help your child prioritize school. The teenagers’ “job” at this time in their life is to do their best in school. Next to faith and family, school should have priority over everything else. That’s easy to say—most of is would agree in theory—but in practice, not so much. 

How sacred is school time? How often do we parents take our kids out of school for an early start to vacations, or hunting expeditions, driver's license tests or hair appointments? How often do schools ask kids to leave school early—or miss it altogether—for ball games? How many times do academic organizations (like science and foreign language associations) schedule competitions on school days to improve participation rates? How frequently do we let our children miss school because they're a little under the weather? The answer to all of the above is "too often." My advice: Make it the truly rare exception that your child misses school for voluntary reasons, and insist that unless they have physical signs of illness (a temperature, nausea, an infectious disease or illness) that they “power through” if they’re feeling a little under the weather. 

(To be continued)

Sweet Caroline, Rest in Peace

We learned over the Thanksgiving weekend that Caroline Berry passed away. She was a member of the class of 2020 at St. Michael. 

We got to know Caroline when she enrolled into our freshman class from Spanish Fort High School, in our first year as a school. She was a good volleyball and basketball player, but had to sit out her first year with us because of the A.H.S.A.A. transfer rule, even though she practiced with both teams. She acclimated quickly to St. Michael, making friends and doing well academically.  

However, at the end of her first semester, around Christmas time, she started to feel pain, and when she went to the doctor, she was diagnosed with soft tissue cancer, or rhabdomyosarcoma. Hers was a particular virulent form of this very serious form of cancer, and for almost two years, she and her family fought against it with great stamina and bravery. 

I once heard a priest say at a funeral that in his experience, people “died like they lived.” I think he meant that if you have a fighting spirit, you don’t succumb to something like cancer laying down; you fight against it, doing whatever it takes to get well. Caroline fought hard and long—a testament to her guts—and even in the middle of it,  she used her suffering as a platform to raise money for childhood cancer research. We were honored to be part of the "Go Gold" Childhood Cancer Awareness day in honor of Caroline Berry earlier this fall, as memorialized through this video. 

It never makes sense. 

That’s what we try and do when someone young dies—to make sense of it. It doesn’t make sense. We ask “Why would God allow it? Why would God allow an innocent, good person like Caroline to suffer so much?” but there are no satisfactory answers, nothing anyone can say which causes us to say “Aha! Now I understand.” 

But as much as we can't understand it, her example, suffering and death have had a positive impact on St. Michael and all the people she knew. 

First, it’s really hard to get to know Caroline and understand all that she fought through, and at the same time take our petty annoyances and grievances too seriously. Whether or not “he said this” or “she said that” or all the little things we allow ourselves to get upset about seems silly in light of Caroline’s suffering. It’s too easy at times to get trapped in our own bubble of self-pity. Our suffering is trivial, unimportant by comparison. It’s good to be reminded of that. 

Second, it’s noteworthy that Caroline died on Thanksgiving Day. I think there’s a message for us there: We have MUCH to be thankful for. Our friends, our family, our good health, our school, life itself. It’s too easy to take all these things for granted, and to be like the “nine of the ten” lepers  Jesus cured who never came back to thank him. Caroline reminds us to be like the tenth leper and to thank him often for all that he’s given us. 

Third—and I think this could be true in all cases of suffering—it really depends on how we respond. When people are hurting, when they have needs, they often bring out the best in us, calling US to be generous, calling US to be less self-centered. A few of you have been Caroline’s friends through thick and thin, visiting her in the hospital, spending time with her at home, calling and texting these last 2 years. You won’t forget her. And you’re not the same person you were when you first became her friend. 

For it’s one of the great truths of our Christian faith that the more we give, the more we grow, and the happier we are.  God has pre-programmed us this way, but we fight against God’s plan, trying to horde our material possessions, our talents, our time. Yet the more we horde, the more miserable we make ourselves. Being Caroline’s friend, spending time with her, ministering to her—has been a great gift to some of you. Earn that gift, by living well, by allowing yourself to be shaped by your relationship with her, bent toward generosity and concern for others. 

When you start a school as we have, we get to celebrate many firsts: Our first medals in foreign language competitions. Our first music awards. Our first football victory. Our first prom and graduation this spring.  Our faith tells us, with Caroline’s death, we celebrate another first: 

Our first Cardinal in heaven. Our first saint! 

"Saints of God, come to her aid! Hasten to meet her, angels of the Lord! Receive her soul and present her to God the Most High." 

The "Nones"

Question. Among all the religious denominations--Catholic, Baptist, Methodist, Episcopalian, and others--what is the fastest growing segment among young people? 

Answer: The “nones.” Not “N-U-N-S” but “N-O-N-E-S.” The fastest growing segment is those who profess no religious affiliation at all. 

That’s alarming. So as you'd suspect, there’s been a lot of discussion why this is so. For sure, the recent scandals haven’t helped. But this began long before the scandals broke in the early 2000’s. It’s been a 40-50 year trend. 

I’ve heard of two working theories. 

One is that Christianity is too hard, and increasingly, we’re part of a soft and lazy culture. 

Now there’s no doubt that we’re in a soft and increasingly lazy culture! We now have remote controls for stereo systems in cars—apparently it's too hard for us to lean forward and change the controls on our dashboard!  The restaurant business is booming because it takes too long to cook our own food and do the dishes.  Now we have fast food because we’re too impatient to wait for it.  And now we have drive-through lanes because it’s way too much work to actually get out of the car!  I bet you could think of many more examples of how lazy we're becoming. 

No doubt our faith has been affected by growing up in a lazy, pampered culture. But not because, as I see it, that our faith is too hard in comparison. It’s because our faith has become just as soft as our culture—that we’ve watered down the more radical claims of the gospel and made being a Christian the equivalent of attending a garden club. 

Dietrich Bonhoeffer, a theologian living in Germany during the rise of Naziism, wrote a book called “The Cost of Discipleship,” which was critical of the religion of many mainline Christian churches because, as he called it, theirs was the religion of “cheap grace,” grace which didn’t cost the Christian anything. We come to Church on Sunday, “fill up our tanks” with cheap grace, then go about our business for the rest of the week, indistinguishable from anyone else. “Costly grace,” by comparison, is the grace that challenges us, that changes us, that exposes us to risk in following the gospel. Bonhoeffer practiced what he preached—he was open critical of the Nazi regime, arrested, put in a concentration camp and was later executed. 

My experience of youth—my experience of you—is that you want your faith to mean something, to put demands on you. You’re not interested in a spineless Church—what’s the point? You want to be challenged, just as you positively respond to other challenges in your life. It’s why you join athletic teams, even though that means you will be running suicides in basketball or running 8-10 miles in the middle of the summer on the cross country team. It's why you take A.P. and honors classes. You want your faith to challenge you similarly, to call you to something outside of yourselves. You want your faith to be, in the words of Pope Francis, “counter-cultural.” 

So maybe the reason there’s a rise in the “nones” isn’t that our faith is too hard, but that it’s not hard enough. 

The second theory is that our faith is boring. Not, so much, that our Masses or Church services are boring—yes, that may be true from time to time, but we understand that's part of any organization. Worse, we fear that WE’D be boring if we practiced our faith. That being Christian is a boring life that makes us boring people. 

That strikes me as a much more accurate fear to describe why youth are turning away from the faith. 

Is the life of a Christian a boring life? 

There are reasons to think so. The Holy Spirit—that animating force of God’s love in our life—his presence to us, is symbolized by a “dove.” Doves are quiet, gentle creatures; we even use the expression “gentle as a dove.” I believe our image of God and the Holy Spirit working in our lives is shaped by that image—a gentle force that quietly coos at us.

But in Celtic Christianity—in Ireland and Scotland—the symbol of the Holy Spirit is not a dove but a wild goose—unpredictable, untamed, free. A wild goose doesn’t coo, it honks. It seems to have its own mind, which may or may not agree with our own. When I took my grand-daughters to the park to feed bread to the geese, one goose the size of my granddaughter came up to her, stared at her a minute,  then snatched the bread out of our hand. 

The Christian journey is not walk down a tired, well-worn path; rather, we’re on a wild goose chase! In the vernacular, that expression means we’re chasing after something which is elusive. But in terms of faith, it means we don’t know the twists and turns of our life and cannot predict where the Holy Spirit will take us, but if we give our lives over to him, our lives will indeed become an adventure: full of love, disappointment, hope, sorrow and mystery.

We often hear that our lives are a journey, a story. That may be true,  but as main characters,  we don’t usually understand what's happening to us. It's especially true in the chapters of our life which are entitled "The early years."  Typical of novels, each of the early chapters seem unrelated to each other, and it’s only in the later chapters that all these separate strands of our life begin to connect. 

There’s part of us, the part that likes to plan things, that wants to know what the future holds for us 20 years out. We’re guilty of making you think that way in schools, too! Seniors, how many times have you been asked "What are you going to major in?” Translation: “What are you going to do for the rest of your life?” No pressure, seniors, just let us know how you intend to live the entirety of your adult life. 

The truth is, we may THINK we want to know the future, but in the words of John Dunne, CSC, that would be the “deadly clear path” which would rob our lives of adventure, wonder, awe. Instead, we are like cars driving down a windy road at night, with the headlights only illuminating a patch of darkness before us. The only way to see beyond that patch is to keep driving forward. That’s the excitement of life, the thrill, the journey--no telling where the wild goose may lead us.

Come Holy Spirit, fill the hearts of your faithful and kindle in us the fire of your love. Send forth your Spirit and we shall be created. And You shall renew the face of the earth. 

Play and Work

Catholic theology is often focused on the “both-and” and usually avoids the “either-or.” All the Christological heresies of the early Church veered toward saying that Jesus was either God OR human, but the Church said consistently that Jesus is both “fully God AND fully human.” In Catholic moral theology, the human person is neither “good” nor “bad,” but “good", in that God’’s grace lives within us, but also “bad”, in that we are flawed by original sin. In terms of the end days, the “kingdom of God” is already among us, but it has not yet fully arrived. 

When we look at the “fun-factor” of a school, I think it’s wise to think in “both-and” terms as well. School is both fun AND hard. We celebrate together, we enjoy weeks like Homecoming week, we enjoy House games and competitions, but we also understand that it’s a bit of a grind, too—that there’s homework to do, that there are tests to study for, that some of our grades won’t turn out the way our children (or we!) hope. 

As far as the fun goes, I’ve asked two very creative, talented teachers here—Miss Smith (theology) and Mrs. Smith (Spanish) to make suggestions as to little things we can do over the course of the year to elevate our students' spirits here, to keep things fun and interesting. If you have ideas, please share them with those two teachers. I am not opposed to a little fun—it helps us with the day to day doldrums. 

At the same time, as principal of St. Michael, I have to remind students that school is sometimes hard work—and that being a teenager is hard. When a student has had a long day, and realizes he or she  has 2 hours of homework to do, it’s hard for him to sit down and do it. It takes maturity to grind his way through. I’ve told students many times over the years that if adults tell them “these are the best years of your life,” that they've forgotten what it's like to be a teenager and are idealizing the past. High school years are tough. There are better years ahead! 

A couple of years ago, I told students about a slogan that the Marine Corps uses with their trainees when they’re going through basic training. Basic training is the hardest thing these 18, 19 year olds have ever done. They wake up before dawn, run, do drills, are pressed to the point of exhaustion.  They’re yelled at, insulted, their grit and toughness are challenged. The Marines are doing their best to harden them, to make them tough soldiers, to instill the discipline they need in battle. That slogan is “Embrace the suck.”  

Embrace the suck!

One of the things I am proud about this year is watching our football team go through its first varsity season. People knowledgeable about sports agree that the hardest program to start in a high school is football, because it requires so many excellent athletes to be competitive. So yes, our guys have been taking it on the chin some. But all through out the season, I’ve never seen our players lay down and quit. They fight to the end, regardless of score, and show up at practice the next week and work to get better.  They’re handling themselves like men.  They are “embracing the suck.”  

Athletes understand this is the cost if they want to be successful. Our cross country team has been running hard all summer, in blistering heat and humidity. Many members of our volleyball team play club ball--in effect, practicing their skills all year. Our cheerleading team is excellent, but they've practiced their routines over and over and over. Now our basketball teams are starting their seasons, marked by a lot of conditioning. 

There's a lesson in all this for all of us. We need to remind our children that sometimes,  life is hard, not fun.   Let’s not let them back away from that challenge. They'll be better men and women for it. 

Open House, 2018!

These are my notes for welcoming prospective parents and students to our annual open house--St. Michael,  October 18, 2018.

Good evening, and welcome! 

We hope tonight will be fun for you—that you’ll ask a lot of questions of me, the teachers, and the student ambassadors who will show you around in a few minutes—and that you’ll go home tonight more at ease about sending your son or daughter to high school, more confident about who we are and what we do. 

But before we tell you what we do,  I want to focus on why we do it.  

What is the purpose of St Michael Catholic High School? 

In everything that we say and do—academic program, athletics, the arts, clubs, in our hallways— We want kids to hear this message: 

Never, ever settle for anything less than the excellence that God’s grace makes possible in your life. You’ll fail along the way; we all do. But don’t lower the bar of expectation. Get up, dust yourself off, seek reconciliation—never, ever settle for anything less than the heroism for which you were born. God has a unique plan for your life—something just for you—and your life long happiness will depend on finding this plan and following it, with courage and conviction.  

That thinking is what's underneath our mission statement, which says we’re aiming to build SCHOLARS (not just students), LEADERS (and not just followers) and DISCIPLES (not just some guy or girl sitting in the pew on Sundays). 

Unfortunately, our kids are growing up in a culture that is profoundly pessimistic about what teenagers are capable of achieving. It tells them they are not capable of scholarship (so schools inflate grades), that they are not capable of chastity (so we teach them safe sex), that they aren’t even capable of handling the truth that some kids are better at things than they are (so everyone gets a trophy). The worst part? They begin to believe these things about themselves. They begin to believe they’re not capable of more. 

We want them to believe the opposite! 

As parents, we love our kids, but we know they're not perfect!  We know that here, too! They're going to need help to get them where God wants them to be. It's a process! They need caring teachers who set achievable goals, who help them build confidence, who affirm them when they need it, and challenge them a bit when they slough off. 

So that's our "why!" Here's our "how" :

First, our academic program:

• Fantastic teachers, first rate professionals. We are blessed by them. 
• 8 classes/semester, gives students built in flexibility to engage in multiple pursuits
• Honors program (morphs into A.P. program as students get older. Students can take up to 8 A.P classes before graduating) and College Preparatory program. Placement based on previous grades, work ethic and placement test. 
• Four days/week, teachers are available to give kids extra help, 3:15-3:50 each day. 
• Aegis class, one period, available for students with documented learning disabilities. 
• Constant updates on academic progress—through progress reports every 4 weeks, through quarter report cards, by making every grade your child earns available to you on line via black baud. 

Second, we have an active life of faith here:  Weekly mass, every Wednesday, prayer before school starts, before ball games, in locker rooms before games, sometimes in what I tell them during weekly assemblies, their theology classes.  They’re going to be told over and over that our belief in their potential to be great is not founded on a polly-annish, naive optimism, but because of—as the song says, the  “overwhelming, never ending, reckless love of God” in their life, which transforms and re-creates them each day. 

Third, we have a Renaissance emphasis for kids—we believe the human person thrives when all facets of their personalities are developed. We don’t want kids to be specialists—“I’m just a football player.” or “I’m a scholar, without time for anything else,” or “All I care about is my music—“ The time for specialization is later. High school is a time for kids to explore possibilities, new things, to walk through open doors and walk around in new rooms. Time for closing doors is later—maybe college, when they’re choosing a life long vocation. We emphasize "both-and," not "either-or."  So how, practically, do we do that? 

• 2 years of foreign language for all students (may take up to 4 years)
• 2 years of the Arts, begin in chorus or band, then either take a 2nd year or option to move into Studio Art in sophomore year. Capable of taking 4 years
• Athletic PE for athletes, each of their 4 years, so they can get bigger, faster and stronger, but because they can take that as one of 8 classes, it doesn't require them to come after school or before school for weight-lifting. This allows them to continue to participate in other things, like band, alongside a sport. Two games ago, we had the team captain of the football team meet at the 50 yard line for the opening coin flip,  then, walk to the sideline and play the trumpet with the band for national anthem to start the game. This is an example of our "Renaissance emphasis." 
• Our after school practices don’t start until 4 p.m. so as not to conflict with tutorials for kids needing help. Doing well academically should not conflict with commitments to excelling on the field!

Fourth, we have fun here, too:

• House system: New student orientation, students will be sorted into one of four houses, each named after one of the early bishops of Mobile: Portier, Quinlan, O’Sullivan or Allen.  This becomes part of their identity here, part of their social life, competitions for House Cup, awarded to the House with the most points in late April. 
• Every Friday, we have a school assembly, led by the president of the student government and the House Council. We play games, have pep rallies,  sponsor contests between houses, etc. There is a lot of joy in our hallways!
• We compete at the 3A level, as full members of the AHSAA (first year), with teams in 10 different sports. Just finishing up football, volleyball and cross country seasons, basketball teams have begun practicing,  cheerleading is on-going, bowling team and tennis teams are new to the school this year. Soccer, baseball in the spring.  In a small school, kids have the opportunity to play, contribute, be part of something larger than themselves. Helps make high school memorable! 

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Enjoy the evening! Ask a lot of questions tonight! Students on tours, teachers, students  and coaches available at the end to talk about clubs and athletic teams. 

When we reassemble in the gym, we're going to give you admissions information, tell you about priority admissions.

We think it's important to apply before Christmas to secure a spot--last year, we were full before Christmas and could only accept few kids in the spring after some of the early applicants told us they weren't coming. 

The Path Forward

“Sadness, Shock, Shame and Outrage.” These are the words Thomas Rodi, Archbishop of Mobile, used to begin his reflection on the scandal involving Cardinal McCarrick and the recent Attorney General of Pennsylvania’s report on clerical abuse.   I share those sentiments, but can only imagine how much harder it has been for good and faithful bishops like him, who are now “guilty by association” in the public eye. 

For these reasons, and because we live in a culture of immediacy, the National Conference of Catholic Bishops is under tremendous pressure to act swiftly to address these issues. But as important as it is to be proactive, I think it would be a mistake to respond to this horrible chapter in our Church’s story too quickly, especially if the response is exclusively the result of an internal action of the bishop's conference. 

In a recent talk with young people, Pope Francis said: “When we adults refuse to acknowledge some evident reality, you tell us frankly: ‘Can’t you see this?’ Some of you who are a bit more forthright might even say to us: ‘Don’t you see that nobody is listening to you any more, or believes what you have to say?’ (Crux, September 25, 2018) 

It’s a hard truth that many people in the United States feel that way about our bishops already. As revolting as McCarrick’s actions are, what is nearly as bad is the fact that people in leadership positions, who had the ability to engage in "fraternal correction,"  looked the other way.  In Pennsylvania, many of the bishops seemed more inclined to  “hide” the clerical abuse to protect the Church’s liability and self-image, rather than act out of concern for the victims. 

Coupled with the Vigano allegation that Pope Francis knew of McCarrick's abuse but allowed him to function as an influential Cardinal in the Church, a friend of mine--a life-long, faithful Catholic--recently said,  “My respect for our Church’s leadership is at an all time low.” 

For this reason, how the National Conference of Catholic Bishops responds to this crisis in their November assembly is almost as important as to the what they decide to do.  On the agenda currently is a vote over an “Administrative Committee” Statement, written by a smaller team of bishops on September 19, 2018, which recommends four actions:

1. Establish a third party reporting system which will receive complaints against a bishop and direct them to the appropriate civil and ecclesiastical authorities;
2. Direct a bishop’s subcommittee to develop proposals for restricting bishops who have been removed or resigned for reasons of scandal;
3. Create a “Code of Conduct” for bishops regarding sexual misconduct with adults or minors, or negligence in responding to issues related to sexual misconduct;
4. Support a full investigation of the situation surrounding McCarrick, including the abuse itself, who knew, and what people did or didn’t do about it. 

The statement ends by inviting brother bishops to join in acts of prayer and penance. It encourages other victims to step forward and promises them a pro-active and compassionate response. 

Regardless of whether this is a sufficient response in terms of the “what,”  it’s clearly insufficient in terms of a process. The bishops stand accused of covering over decades of abuse, “closing ranks” to protect themselves and their priests at the expense of victims. So having a small group of bishops make proposals to a larger group of bishops for a vote, “to protect the Church”, as one pundit phrased it, “from themselves,” will simply feed the narrative that this is a closed system which is not open to collaboration or real reform. 

For the good of our Church and the teaching authority of our bishops, we’re going to have to embrace a more inclusive process. 

I propose something akin to the Bishop’s Pastoral Letter on the Economy from the mid 1980’s. That process involved creating two “draft statements” from the bishop’s conference, each of which invited lay and expert response from across the country. Parishes were encouraged to host forums for discussion about each draft, and the results were summarized and sent to the bishop, who in turn would send them to the NCCB.  For each subsequent draft, a bishop’s committee would review the responses and incorporate key insights into the next draft, leading to a third and final statement, which ended up being the most widely read and I would argue, the most influential statement of the NCCB ever written. Perhaps the September 19 Administrative Statement, then, could be regarded as a “first draft” by the NCCB, and the bishops could invite lay reflection and proposals for a second draft, and then create a third and final statement. 

There is no doubt that extending out the process in this way will prolong the public discussion about abuse within our Church. There is also no doubt that many of the recommendations arising out of greater consultation with the laity will be more radical than the bishop’s conference might be inclined to make on its own.  I would expect, for example, a demand from the laity that they would have more of a voice in the selection of bishops, at least at the first stage of consultation. I would expect more scrutiny and a call for greater transparency in diocesan finances, with more oversight from diocesan finance councils.  I’d expect more details on what a “third party reporting system” looks like, and whether or not there was any ecclesiastical authority that could re-direct how reports of abuse were handled. I would expect, yes, renewed discussions about a married priesthood and the role of women in leadership positions in the Church. I’d expect a re-examination of priestly living, especially the question of whether it is healthy for men to live the entirety of their adult lives alone in rectories, vs. some sort of communal arrangement with priests from different parishes. 

I know that some of these issues are outside the jurisdiction of the bishops, and I suspect that most would prefer to define the scope of all this more narrowly.   But in light of the failings of too many, I don't think the NCCB is going to be able to dictate how all this unfolds, especially if they wish to regain the moral influence and authority they have abdicated. Before there is too much talk, there needs to be a lot of listening. 

In the mean time, let us pray for our bishops, most of whom are fine men doing God's work for our local churches.

"Ordinary Time"

These are my comments to students today during assembly.

So the mid-quarter report cards were last week, and the quarter ends on October 12, with 3 weeks of school between now and then. The “newness” of the year has probably rubbed off, and maybe you’re feeling the grind.  We’re in mid-season form now for football, volleyball, cheerleading and cross country—and practices, I am sure, are beginning to feel on occasion, like drudgery. We are in what our Church calendar calls “Ordinary time,” the time in between major celebrations such as Christmas and Easter. 

One of our tendencies in our culture is to focus our attention on the big events—the extraordinary moments in our lives—In a school culture, perhaps, Homecoming, Prom, Graduation. We look forward to these things, we long for them, and there’s nothing wrong with that, except if in our longing, we forget the here and now. 

When I was a junior at McGill, there was an English teacher who would call on us randomly at the beginning of class to lead the class in prayer. Because we weren’t very good at it, we’d often revert to praying for the same thing over and over, and I remember one of those prayers was “Lord, help the weekend get here quickly.” After about the 15th time in a row we prayed for the weekend, our teacher said, “You know, you’re praying your life away. What about now?” 

That was 40 years ago, but I still think about that comment. There’s truth in it. Our culture lives for the weekends. There was even a bad song that came out in the 80’s, called “Everybody’s working for the weekend.” But if our focus is only on the weekend, then what about Mondays and Tuesdays? If it’s only about the big events in our future and not about the now, we can miss the extraordinary things within the ordinary—the chance to reach out to a friend and be a good listener, the chance to make someone’s life better, the chance to improve ourselves precisely because we’re willing to do our homework well or practice hard. 

My mother used to have a plaque above the kitchen sink with a saying from St. Therese: “God moves among the pots and pans.” I think St. Therese was making this exact point—we may look for God in the big things, the miraculous, but miss him in the ordinary day to day, like doing the dishes, interacting with our family, in preparing for our classes, in being kind to someone during lunch. It's in these ordinary occurrences that God is present. 

So let’s keep that in mind this week. Happy Monday! May you work hard today, and may you sense God’s presence in all that you do, all the people that you meet, and all the chances you have to become better students, better teammates, better persons today.