The Abortion Issue: Better Listening to Each Other

We don’t debate important social issues very well in our country. The abortion “debate” has been more like two deaf people shouting at each other for fifty years.

Productive discussions begin with better listening. 

Yes, pregnancy affects women in deep and profound ways—in ways that we men can never fully understand. I watched my wife through the pregnancies of our four children, saw the physical changes she went through—but more than that, the emotional and psychological impact they had on her. One day, she’d have morning sickness, feeling nauseous much of the day. But on another day, she was radiant with joy, bonding with the life within her, at peace. 

Abortion is indeed an important social issue, but let us never forget that pregnancy is first an issue that impacts women and their bodies, as the pro-abortion side likes to remind us.  Respect for women, respect for their privacy, respect for the idea that women are in all sorts of different situations at the time they become pregnant—some in loving relationships, some in abusive relationships, some in no relationships at all, left to bear the burden of their pregnancy alone— respecting these realities are a precondition for any sober, serious debate of the issue, and certainly preconditions for any truly Christian debate on abortion. Women have inherent dignity, and that dignity must be honored. 

On the other hand, those inclined to support abortion must also listen. The issue is not exclusively one of a woman’s privacy. That which is growing within a mother’s womb  is not an appendix, a lung, or some other appendage of the woman, but a distinct human life, with a DNA distinct from its mother, with its own heart beat, it’s own blood type, its own wonderfully mysterious combination of its mother and father. No just society, no civilization founded on the belief that we possess “unalienable rights,  among them life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness,” can credibly give anyone else the right to terminate that life, including the mother, any more than a society can confer on parents the right to abuse their own children after birth. Both the mother AND the child have inherent dignity, and we cannot advance the cause of one at the expense of the other. 

In the end, of course, I am against abortion—it does violence to children. In saying so,  I know that a significant number of my fellow citizens will disagree with me.  So is that where our discussion ends? 

I don’t think so. Perhaps we will always disagree about the legality of abortion, but cannot we agree on building a culture where the idea of abortion is (almost) unthinkable? 

Can we insist upon a culture, for example, that truly recognizes the equal dignity of women? That prioritizes equal pay for equal work? That insists upon appropriate maternity leave and family friendly employment policies, so that women who become pregnant are not tempted to consider abortion a necessary choice? Can we not prosecute deadbeat fathers who renege on their responsibilities to help raise their children? Can we not reject a porn industry that profits from objectifying women purely to serve men’s pleasure? Can we not muster enough outrage over international sex trafficking, and punish countries through our trade practices  that tacitly tolerate it? Regardless of one’s position on abortion, can we not say, loudly, ENOUGH! 

And where women find themselves in crisis pregnancies, can we not pour out resources on her and her child, making sure she receives proper pre-natal care, that she is able to complete her education, that she is supported after her child’s birth, both financially and socially, surrounded by loving communities, rather having to endure the scorn and judgment of others, isolated?

And cannot both sides acknowledge the wonder and beauty of children, and especially babies? There is a reason, after all, that when a mother brings her baby into a room full of people, that everyone in that room stops what they’re doing, and goo-goos and gaga’s with that baby! Children make us smile, and remind us that God still has hope for the human race! Can not we regard children as they truly are—a magnificent gift from God?  Can we stop with our insulting comments to parents with many children (Hey, you know how that happens, right? huh huh)? Can we stop joking with expectant parents that their lives are now “over”? 

Whatever side of the aisle, anti-abortion or pro-abortion, we can work together on these kinds of social reforms. If we do, we can build a culture in our states where abortion seems less and less necessary.  

Is it polly-annish idealism to suggest as much? Well, certainly, there is a lot of insincerity on this issue, particularly those who profit from it, or political operatives who use this issue to manipulate votes. I don’t hold out much hope for reconciliation with them! 

But among the rest of us—those who have sincerely held beliefs about women, about children, about a more just society—I believe these are worthwhile goals to work toward. 

Disregard Grades!

Grades are the wrong metric to measure student success. 

I’ve had many meetings with parents of a kid doing poorly who say to me  “I’ve told him, I expect all A’s and B’s,” when in fact, an A or B might be unattainable for that student, leading that child to despair. But I’ve also known many kids making “all A’s and B’s,” without effort, who could be much better students.

Grades are best understood as “carrots” to encourage effort. Effort is the metric that matters!

One of my sons cruised his way through the first two years of high school, doing very little work but making good grades, despite my constant harping on him to work harder. But at the beginning of his junior year, I was hired as a new head of school, we moved and he enrolled at that school.  A few months later, his Pre-Calculus teacher asked to meet with me before first quarter grades were published. She was worried about how her new “boss” would react—my son had  a “D” in her class. I smiled at her, stood up, and shook her hand. “Thank you,” I said. You’re doing my son a great favor.” My son was shell-shocked, but he began to become a more serious student, frequently leaving the house at 6:30 a.m. to get in 30 minutes of Math tutoring before school started. My wife and I would high five each other as he left, pleased that our son was showing signs of growing up! We believe that  “D” was the trigger that helped him get into Notre Dame when he applied the following year. 

Grades in themselves are less important than we think! Because they’re so inflated nationally, and because they vary so much between schools, colleges can’t trust them. Instead, they focus on ACT/SAT scores, which helps them compare “apples to apples.”  The best way to improve ACT scores? Take tough classes and work hard in them.  Over time—there’s no quick fix here—the ACT scores will slowly creep up. 

“Strength of schedule” matters for the competitive colleges, also. If a kid “Cadillacs” through his career with easier classes, they won’t want him or her! Capable students should “dive in” to Advanced Placement courses, taking 6-8 of them during high school. 

Parents often worry: “But if he takes the A.P. course it might hurt his GPA.” I tell them , “If your child can make a B with hard work, he or she should  take it. “ They look at me funny: “A  B?” “Yep,” I say. “ Colleges prefer a B in an A.P. course over an easy A in something else. And the A.P. course should help with the ACT, too.”

On the other end—for students who struggle—my advice to parents is straightforward: “Disregard grades.” Yes! Disregard them. Instead, I tell them they expect 60-90 minutes of homework each night from their child, and that if asked, his teachers will say he’s “working hard.” If so, I recommend they take their child to dinner to celebrate his  “A+” in effort and to tell him how proud they are! 

Effort is what matters! The grades will take care of themselves.

Here We Are to Worship

My remarks to our students on the occasion of our first school mass in our new sanctuary at Prince of Peace, March 18, 2024

Good morning, Prince of Peace!

This is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice in it! What a wonderful gift this new Church is to our school, our parish and the people of God here in north Texas!

Yesterday marked the end of a 9 year project of planning, fund-raising, and three phases of construction, culminating in the dedication of this beautiful new church yesterday. 

An appropriate question is “Why?” 

Why did we do this? Why spend so much time, effort and money to re-create this sanctuary, to put in the amazing mosaics of the stations of the cross, the extraordinary dove mosaic at the top of the church, the new crucifix, the beautiful new tabernacle, the marble altar, and baptismal font?

About 4 years ago, my wife and I visited the Grand Canyon for the first time. I had seen pictures of it all my life, watched clips on TV. But when I  walked to the edge of the rim and looked one mile straight down, looked out at the majesty of the sediment cliffs, soaked in the sheer immensity and beauty of it, I was blown away.

And it wasn’t just me. There were people there of many different races, cultures and nationalities, and they seemed to be having a similar experience. 

I think this is what was happening to us: this was more than just a wow! experience. I think it was a religious moment. Confronted by magnificent beauty, we were all being drawn toward God, the creator of this beauty, He who is beauty right through.

There are so many distractions that pull us away from God, that thwart us from being close to him, that confuse us. But on those occasions we come face to face with great beauty, we are drawn back, re-focused. It’s as if, inside us, our souls are saying, “Yes, that’s it! That’s what—that’s WHO—I am looking for!”

St. Augustine said it: “You have made us for your purpose, Lord. And our hearts are restless until they rest in you.”

And that’s why this parish has worked so long and hard to make this such a beautiful place for worship. To draw us in, to experience God as we come into this majestic new church, to remind us who we are, and WHOSE we are, children of a creator who loves us right down to our bones. 

This is not a fellowship hall. It’s not a place for socializing or talking. Father Forge has been specific with us about this. This is a place of reverence and prayer. We no longer enter a gym, but a sanctuary.

The song we sang in the gym for our last school mass there, just before our Eucharistic procession, is a great reminder of our purpose this morning, and  each and every time we gather in this new church:

“Here we are to worship. Here we are to bow down. Here we are to say that you are our God.”

Let’s do that this morning, through our praying, our responses, and our singing—let us praise and thank him for all he has done for us!